mY complicAted thoughTs

It's been half a year since I posted on my blog....time flies fast....these 3 words seems to be my usual slogan, haha!

It seems that whenever I come to post on my blog is the time when I feel lost & dunno where to express these feelings...

For the past weeks, I'm really at a loss...suddenly there's not much to look forward to...just a lot of mind blogging worries...that doesn't sound good right...

For a while, I think I'm destined to live a "loner" life? Well, I have friends and family who cares for me but sometimes just feel it's not easy to find The One who can understand my thoughts and lead me out of it. I guess perhaps many of us feel this way too, just that it's not something we talked about openly.

Well, why am I feeling loss? Not much satisfactory felt from work after this project is over. Getting 30 years old soon yet I haven't save much so dun feel much achievement. Feeling out of sorts for some unexpected emotions as well....dunno what to make of...dunno how to brush off as well....rational and heart is always at opposite ends...haiz...guess only time can tell...

Last night, we had a topic about how some young people had such a short life, just like the 20 year old one who died of dengue. It's a pity that he has not had the chance to live his life like other normal young adults. All the more we should cherish what we have right? Sometimes, I will think of what will you want to leave behind if you are not around anymore? We do not know when this day will come but isn't it good that we think of it first or else how do we get the chance to be prepared? Ever since the demise of my grandma, I keep thinking about this question. Many think it's a taboo to talk about it but already there are a number writing up on their wills.

Money for family?

Appreciation for loved ones?

Expenses to take care of?

People to help take care of family?

Live everyday fruitfully....try to be happy & contented with whatever you are doing and at the same time, helping out others in need if possible. A simple thought but takes courage to do it!

Hope I can work towards my goal! :)

Jia you!

My Overwhelming Emotions

It's been a long time since I wrote on my blog, guess more than 3 years....

So much has happened and I'm not sure how do I begin with...but I desperately need a channel to pour out my emotions since it's difficult to talk about.

To start off, year 2012 has been a pretty challenging year for me...it's like I have been up against all sorts of daunting tasks to test on my strengths & limits....to see how much I can endure & how do I deal with it despite all things happening around me...it's pretty depressing but I'm trying to cope around all the obstacles faced one after another...how should I put it across? It's a year full of tears...with the stress both at work & at home.

The most saddest part is to cope with the illness of my grandma and going through her demise recently. Although we are already mentally prepared, it is still hard for us to accept her demise. We know that it's better for her to go since there's no other cure and she's been really in pain for this past 2 months...I mean if I were her, I would have chosen the same path as well, with all the children, grandchildren, great grandchildren all growing up, there's not much regrets nor persons that need to be worried about. Her demise really puts us in a different perspective about life. Like the Buddhist sutra that we have been chanting at her funeral, it's to help us understand life, old aged, illness & death...to make us aware of the life & death cycle process and how to deal with it. She has passed away for a week & I'm sick for near to a week as well due to lack of rest, not only me but my parents as well. Perhaps it's heaven way of letting us to understand her pain of being ill because I really feel depressing and xinku this past week.

Work is also full of obstacles and challenges, one after another. Someone asked me why are there so many obstacles in our project? I'm not sure how well I can answer, except to say fruits always tastes better if it's difficult and takes us longer to pick at, just like we, human beings tend to remember bad times better than good times as it embedded into our memory better and when the end product is out, it actually feels satisfying and you will look back and laugh at all the challenges faced at that point of time. Said is always easier than done so we only have to look forward even though we have been walking for so long in the dark and wet tunnel. There's no way we can turn back except to trudge our foot forward, step by step.

That's how I try to console myself, the inner depth of mind, hoping to live normally and better than before. But my flu & cough makes it even more depressing. Sickness always makes one feel depressing and lonely.

Be strong, that's the two words that I have been receiving from friends during this painful period. I know, just that sad things seems to be happening too much. Like my ex-colleague whose dad just passed away due to an unfortunate car accident, it must have been a tough time for her as well but words not are enough to comfort her as I come to understand. It's a strength in our inner mind that can help us to overcome all the emotions we felt and be a strong person. But where does the strength comes from? I start to think it comes from a belief. Whether or not you believe in your religion, sometimes it really helps because religion comes from belief. You believe in something and the faith in it held you dearly to the things you do.

It's difficult...to talk about these things to someone close or not close to you...

rainiNg

nice weather to slp! raining heavily! just had lunch, ate sardine sandwich, though its just sandwich but i'm quite full already.......zzz......

been watching dvds whenever i'm at home nowadays.......tonite wan to catch the last episode of this hkg drama, 与敌同行 before i start my 牛郎织女, haha, my papa nagging me to start tis show already........my mama prefers hkg show and my papa prefers those fighting shows.

ah tonite still got class, but tink have to go coz got revised edition for my course materials.....hmm hmm......

slpy slpy...........

hecTic Life

hectic hectic lifestyle!

i think i'm having quite a hectic lifestyle nowadays! go home late, sleep late, stay late over the wkends, eat dinner late late, maximising time.

tired tired! i have a goal to work towards to! i want to go for holidays next year! already 'ren' for 2 years without going anywhere and been slogging hard tis year, so want to reward myself!!! hee!

i told xp den we start to fantasize our holiday trip! we shortlist 2 places lahz, have to see by then how much budget we have. If we going to Korea, we need at least $2k. If we going to Tokyo/Osaka, i think we need at least $3k. so see, minimum amount lehz, but i wan to buy things so definitely need more than that! hee.....so see muz save alot! & still got to count in my school fees, **sweat**

jia you jia you!

still have not found any jobs i like yet......tink job mrkt will be better next year, tis year still quite stagnant....we'll see how bahz........end of oct? end of year? or after chinese new year? i got 3 timings......

been watching quite a few dramas lately, hee.......dunno tonite got time anot, meeting again den got to finish up my assignment & submit. Oh ya, the assignment super difficult lehz........dunno how to write. Analyse & analyse the difference in eng & chn, i analyse till wan to tear up the book already.

holidays holidays!!!!!

sAd

feelin pretty sad today, hope to go home earlier!

wan to shut off my brains & rest well!

maybe the last few episodes of the show can make me laugh, now my mouth is a curve shape....:(

endurance, tolerance, perseverance

currently trying to build up my endurance, tolerance and perseverance, haha!

frankly speaking, now i really feel like i'm in the mist, dunno which direction to head to. it makes me v bek chek......

wat shld i do? stand thr waiting for the mist to go away by itself? choose any directions & just charge ahead?

sTressed, heAdache

ah so stressed over work, the job which i applied also kena rejected, haiz........

when can i be freed?? abit headache, tink not enuff slp, feel super slpy now.........

thurs liaoz, sat still got party in the nite, how i wish i can slp at home! zzz.......

what should i do lehz? hmm hmm, dilemna.................hiaks